Will I Ever Be Whole Again

by NJGirl
(NJ)

On 12-10-08 my world literally flipped upside down. Though most of my details are foggy I can tell you that I was driving along a highway about to pay a toll when an 18 wheeler decided to make an illegal uturn to avoid the toll booth. Like I said most of the accident is foggy but I remember thinking I was probably going to die and then I remember a whole lot of spining.

So the facts are that I hit the mac truck head on and the force of that hit sent me spinning, hitting the truck a few more times until I landed on the opposite side of the highway. After impact I dont remember anything though the reports say I was found along side the car or what was left of the car and quite coherent.

I was rushed to the hospital where they did a few xrays of my hand, knee, stomach, foot and chest. Never once was I checked for a head trauma, funny because you hear mac truck and car and one would think head trauma is looming in the distance. Whatever the reason they didn't check me I was sent home.

I fell asleep and woke up to what would be a neverending nightmare of epic proportions. I awoke vomiting and just disoriented, very fuzzy like I was in a fog. Im sure u have guessed by now what's comming. I had a closed head injury.

The second hospital I was rushed to at least did a cat scan. If asked I can actually pin point it to the minute when I lost the old me. I have been diagnosed with diffuse axonal injury, TBI, loss of peripheal vision in both eyes, loss of debth perception in both eyes, a seperated left shoulder, injuries to neck, back, knee, torn labrum of the hip which was surgically repaired, foot injury, migraine headaches, insomnia, short term memory loss, reading and math deficits, social withdrawl, depression, mood disorder and a plethra of other injuries and symptoms.

Now all those symptoms aside I am one lucky girl and I know it. Unfortunately knowing I'm lucky doesn't lessen the pain of loosing the old me and the majority of my friends and family. I sure did learn the lesson that people can be very cruel when your in need of help and support.

Since 12-10-08 I have lost the majority of my previous friends, I have been retired from my profession that I spent most of my life trying to get, I struggle with pain and injuries daily and because I was working at the time of the accident I had the horrible experience of workmans comp.

I don't know what its like to go through your car insurance for your injuries but I sure know how degrading workmans comp will treat you. It took them 1 full year to approve my hip surgery and don't you know now I have even more permanent damage than I would of because I was forced to walk on an injured limb for a year. Of course that doesn't even compare to how they spoke to me and treated me. As a matter of fact I think we have more humane laws for animals than how I was treated and all because I drew the bad luck card that day and had a mac truck hit me.

I have to say the hardest part, and all physical injuries aside, is healing from the head injury. Somedays I feel like my brain is on a different level than my body and nothing is in sync, and the depression sure doesn't help. I think half of the depression is from the loss of me, the me I was used to for 34 years, the me that loved to smile, loved to laugh, the me that ran 6 miles a day and ate raw vegan food, the me that loved roses and knicknacks.

Now I'm a me that never smiles, is never happy, is always in pain, the me that can't exercise because of so many injuries, the me that has to eat meat because who knows why, the me that doesn't feel anything for anyone and the me that cries all the time.

Most days I want to run away and be free but really I just want to run away from me. I'm struggling to build a new me, a me that will be whole again. I know it exists but I can't find her and man o man have I searched. People tell me 2 yrs in TBI is young, I sure don't feel young I feel like I have been dealing with this forever almost to the point where nothing else even exists. I yearn for the day to be whole again to feel human again to not feel betrayed by my own mind and body. That said, I do keep the faith that I will get through this, after all I am a SURVIVOR, and I intend to conquer this mountain.